a change is on the way

Big changes are happening. The soonest and perhaps biggest of these is my roommate getting married. This weekend. What the crap, man! Very honestly (sorry to T if you read this) I thought I would be first. On the other hand, I thought I would get married before a lot of people who are now married. Maybe that is what my problem is! I have a friend who tells me that things happen faster when you are ready to wait for them for forever. Maybe he has it right.

I recently wrote in a reflection paper:

"I have been considering change a lot recently. It seems like my entire life is going through a massive overhaul. I am not the same person I was a year ago. If you go back two years, I am practically unrecognizable. I look at myself and at my progression and I see resiliency. It gives me hope. If I can change, it means that people can change."

I wrote the above four months ago. Change is still happening.

Since then I've had another birthday. One year closer to being a menace to society! Oh joy...

I am now coming to the end of my undergraduate education. I think that I am mostly limping past the finish line. I am supposed to be getting two degrees and I am having issues fulfilling the requirements of both, through no fault of my own. This means that I am leaving the University swinging and flailing and fighting tooth and nail... and let me tell you... it's absolutely exhausting!

This exhaustion has become a problem in and of itself. I don't have the energy to do anything above the bare minimum, but I always have before. So now more is expected of me than I can actually do. This means the dishes aren't done, the laundry is strewn across everything and if it isn't pre-packaged, I don't eat it. I barely manage to get the work that I absolutely must get done done.

I generally feel like I have been juggling a hundred china dishes and I keep letting one after another hit the floor and shatter. So it's a race: can I keep enough of these delicate things in the air to allow me to finish the show? Or will I be "booed" off stage? Is a bad ending actually better than just giving up? It doesn't always feel like it.

Is this just another "Refiner's Fire"? What do I need to learn? How can I take these experiences and let them be "for my good"? I am sure that I will come to understand this trial as I have often understood trials as I look at them in retrospect. Hindsight is always 20-20, right? I just wish I could learn this lesson more quickly. Before I lose all hope. When it rains, it pours, you know? Maybe I just need to remember how to dance in the rain.