It might just be me, and if it is you can absolutely ignore everything I have to say after this, but has anyone else noticed how many people are getting married and having babies?
Maybe I'm seeing this as a trend having recently turned 24. Maybe it's the lack of prospects where I'm at. Maybe it's the number of people who seem to want to talk to me about marriage. Maybe it's the children I live with who seem to think it is a major character flaw that I am not married. Maybe it's living with a couple who actually show affection for each other. Maybe I just can't ignore it anymore. Maybe it's that I am also in a transition period, although it isn't the transition I would have imagined that I would be taking. Maybe I'm just bitter.
I always figured I'd be married by 21 or 22 and I never thought that I would ever feel as old as I do. Here's the thing though: I've done a lot of living.
How many people can honestly say that they have lived in Washington DC and worked in the United States Senate?
I can.
How many people can say that they fought the administrative structure of a University and won?
I can. I have two degrees to show for it too!
How many people get to be the Maid of Honor for their best friend?
You bet I did!
How many people get to live in Paris?
I did!
And now I get to travel across this beautiful country to San Diego where I will spend the next year of my life studying to prepare me to work with people that I am passionate about working with.
Big changes are happening. The soonest and perhaps biggest of these is my roommate getting married. This weekend. What the crap, man! Very honestly (sorry to T if you read this) I thought I would be first. On the other hand, I thought I would get married before a lot of people who are now married. Maybe that is what my problem is! I have a friend who tells me that things happen faster when you are ready to wait for them for forever. Maybe he has it right.
I recently wrote in a reflection paper:
"I have been considering change a lot recently. It seems like my entire life is going through a massive overhaul. I am not the same person I was a year ago. If you go back two years, I am practically unrecognizable. I look at myself and at my progression and I see resiliency. It gives me hope. If I can change, it means that people can change."
I wrote the above four months ago. Change is still happening.
Since then I've had another birthday. One year closer to being a menace to society! Oh joy...
I am now coming to the end of my undergraduate education. I think that I am mostly limping past the finish line. I am supposed to be getting two degrees and I am having issues fulfilling the requirements of both, through no fault of my own. This means that I am leaving the University swinging and flailing and fighting tooth and nail... and let me tell you... it's absolutely exhausting!
This exhaustion has become a problem in and of itself. I don't have the energy to do anything above the bare minimum, but I always have before. So now more is expected of me than I can actually do. This means the dishes aren't done, the laundry is strewn across everything and if it isn't pre-packaged, I don't eat it. I barely manage to get the work that I absolutely must get done done.
I generally feel like I have been juggling a hundred china dishes and I keep letting one after another hit the floor and shatter. So it's a race: can I keep enough of these delicate things in the air to allow me to finish the show? Or will I be "booed" off stage? Is a bad ending actually better than just giving up? It doesn't always feel like it.
Is this just another "Refiner's Fire"? What do I need to learn? How can I take these experiences and let them be "for my good"? I am sure that I will come to understand this trial as I have often understood trials as I look at them in retrospect. Hindsight is always 20-20, right? I just wish I could learn this lesson more quickly. Before I lose all hope. When it rains, it pours, you know? Maybe I just need to remember how to dance in the rain.
This morning I was late to class, but it turned out for the best, I think. In my mad dash across campus I witnessed an interesting occurrence, a cyclist got hit by the on-campus bus. Don't worry, everyone was fine, although I feel bad for the poor bike! (but hey, I have a bike thing...) Anyway, after this collision the bus driver leaned out his window to yell at the cyclist "next time, look first, okay?!" to which the cyclist looked somewhat confused and perhaps even a little angry, I mean, cut him some slack he just got hit by a bus, for goodness sake!
Fast-forward, or back, or something, time is somewhat irrelevant, I suppose. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot recently about those things that I need to do to be able to live a happier, more satisfied life, unrelated to anything or anyone else. So I've been thinking about what makes me unique and worthwhile and as of late I often come up short on that list. Obviously this is hardly something I want to ask to other people, because no one likes people who fish for complements (but please feel free to supply some ideas! *fish, fish*)
So while I think that it was super inappropriate for the bus driver to yell at someone he just ran into, I think that his advice is rather interesting. How often do I do things that put me in hazardous situations before I take the time to look? I am, perhaps, overly spontaneous, and certainly very passionate. It is a critique I receive often from those who care about me most. However, I am generally too busy running headlong into new situations to stop and listen. While I think that this approach to life encourages me to be honest, and generally prevents me from scheming or being devious, I think it gets me into trouble. If I were more calculating I think I would end up in fewer situations that wind up hurting in the end.On the other hand, I like being passionate. So I need to find a balance. More than anything, I need to enjoy life the way it is now, not constantly looking forward or backward. Not developing so many expectations.
So where is that balance? Do I look first, like my bus driver said, or do I enjoy the present without worrying about the future?
I think that what I need to do is be aware of the possibilities, be ready for anything, and then not worry about it. There are so very many opportunities in life to be hurt, to be trodden down, if I were to worry about them all, I would never get out of bed in the morning! That is no way to live life. In the end, I think it is just an act of faith. What is meant to happen will happen. If I need to be a little bruised along the way, if I need to be hit by a few busses to learn the lessons I need to learn, so be it. I don’t need to understand why things happen, sure I might be more comfortable if I did know, but it is hardly necessary.
So here is the goal: look before you leap, to make sure all signs point to safety. Here is the key, though. Leap.
If I had to wait until I was one hundred percent positive that I would not hurt myself jumping into water, I would never have gone cliff jumping. And I would never give up that experience for the world. So if the symbolic water seems safe, go for it, jump in! If it doesn’t look safe, avoid it. If that guy tells you that they will hurt you, that they want to corrupt you, maybe you should listen, and stay safely on the cliff-side, or stop short to avoid getting hit by that bus. But what happens if you weren’t so cautious? Now look where you are… you just got hit by a freaking bus! What do you do?! I’d suggest you get up and ride away. You don’t need to be broken by it. Sure, I know you’re shaken, who wouldn’t be? But as soon as you can figure out which way is up, pick yourself up, and move on.
You are of infinite worth. Never, ever forget that.
as may or may not be evident, this entire idea has been rather spontaneous. but it seemed like it might be an interesting exercise, although it hardly seems like i have anything of interest to say. however, in an attempt to keep up with the world at large, the great adventure begins. perhaps i will eventually come up with some kind of overarching theme with which to guide my periodic rants, but at this moment i feel that it is sufficient for me to say that what is to be written herein will be free association of some sort or another, and it this is not up to your particular standard, you are welcome to not continue to read such things as i have to write. at the moment, my exercise in avoiding doing something productive (i.e. supreme court briefs) must necessarily come to an end at this moment. adieu.
